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Chelsey Engel
http://chelseyengel.purpledream.com |
Unlived Dreams
02/23/04 |
So here I lie again
In a flood of scattered sorrys
Wearing nothing but tattered dreams
In a mind where it only seems
That you are here with me
So I confuse myself
Thinking of your excuses
Well,that only diffuses
My claim to being free
And being along with me
Tell me why does the darkness
Engulf in my loneliness
I stumble in this breathless
Night full of angry stars
Tell me why do the senseless
Engage in the foolishness
I stutter in this breathless
Speech to the love so far
So time just rolls on by
In a wheel that goes forever
Never putting us together
Leaving me to just remember
Our love filled days
So I look to the sky
Hoping light will pour from God's gates
Onto this gray world I hate
It drives me to insane
And away from the day
Tell me why does the dullness
Take part in my hopelessness
I fall into the endless
Hole to the neverland
Tell me why do the helpless
Enrage at the happiness
Brought by the pitiless
Who never take our hand
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As I Walk Through Life
06/10/04 |
As I walk through life I've learned
That "life" is just a group of four letters
I've learned that you are to define yourself
Without the expected words
I've learned that you have to dream on your own
Ignoring what the people on the outside say
And I've learned you also have to be on your own
To escape the world of dependency
As I walk through life I've learned
That there is no such thing as a friend
I've learned that no matter the problem
Or how many times you've cried
There'll be no comfort
I've learned that you can't change someone
But others refuse to see it
I've learned that every person is his or her own hypocrite
And I've learned that they whine and complain and break down
Then go against their preaching every day
As I walk through life I've learned
That peace will never be in existence
I've learned that politicians promise a utopia
But the bombs will never stop falling
I've learned that innocent lives are taken
For the pleasure of other's twisted minds
And for all of the pounds of blood they have shed
It will never equal the pain or the extremity of their crimes
As I walk through life I've learned
That so many loved ones are taken away
And we're told when we're younger that the angels have risen
Because our parents don't know what else to say
I've learned that late night calls
Aren't calls of a winning sweepstakes
But rings of terror that bring those angels of death
Back to haunt me once again
I've learned that funerals have become my second home
Though lacking the scent of gingerbread
And the sound of the TV blaring
They're replaced by the scent of salty tears
And the screams and cries of the torn souls left behind
As I walk through life I've learned
That love is a manmade poison
And that the young and senseless all believe
It's something out of a fairy tale
I've learned that they give up every inch of their purity
Just to be left alone in the dark
And I've learned that you don't need someone
To fill your heart's desires
I've learned that roses and chocolate
Won't make up for the suffering and heartache
And that the one and only real man on this earth
Is God
To Kylee, David, and Matt
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Beautiful Disaster
10/04/04 |
One thousand pounds of one billion raindrops
Submerge everything they fall upon,
Which is everything in sight.
No one's making it home tonight,
So I suppose it's just me and the candlelight.
There's something about this blanket of inundation.
It covers me with unrestricted eyes and I can see the world,
Full of theatrical fools who know nothing of real drama.
These people believe this deluge to be some monster
While to me, it is the most beautiful disaster.
The sound of the attacked cement and the streaming trees
Joins the symphony of cellos and violins
Playing in this room of steel,
Which nothing escapes and nothing enters
Except the nature's beauty.
I keep my faith in the blessing rain
As it sustains its place in the darkness
And as I keep mine in the shadow.
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Eternal Angel Sleeps
10/21/04 |
Black wings shred
Upon a young, fallen corpse
Lying in a large puddle of salt
Left over for too long
Frowned on and forgotten
It has been trampled along
And will be for moons to come.
The ripples once were raging
As the traffic persisted
Then as the scene died down
So did the cracked statue
And the activity soon faded.
Now the only time the puddle moves
Is when the rain pounds
And the thunder howls.
The vultures do not even budge
For the stench of the pain is wicked,
Creating vines-which grow longer
As the sundowns continue to linger-
Until the green is dominant and reigning
And only closed eyes are visible.
The lashes are hardened stiff
And almost frozen
Whether it be in time or in tears,
It remains the same.
The hair is tossled and knotted,
But is still the purest black.
The skin is pale and true,
Not only in color, but in history-
It has suffered many enduring nights,
When saturated rain covered its surface,
Almost drowning it under the pores,
But it survived
Alone.
The lips are chopped
And fractured like the heart,
Which drips through the chest, And the blood is the only
Moving thing in sight
As the body lies through another night.
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Life Underneath
12/21/04 |
A single teardrop slowly tumbles down
And I'm falling alongside the grieving
As it hits the ground.
So now I lie in obscurity and silence
Holding my breath to evade the polluted air,
Which these people have contaminated.
Is there such a word in existence
For me to say that will please them?
Or will I still be the disappoint you claim?
Nothing will ever be the same
If this reciprocity never begins.
I thought they were to forgive my sins
Rather than forsaking me for my mistakes.
And this night is what I rely on
To get me through day after day.
And every one of those days, I find a way
To hold my true thoughts in to save them
From receiving what I have throughout the years.
If their ears would hear
And if their heart would feel
Everything they say and do to me
I can guarantee they would not see the light.
Such as I, they would be falling
Passing everything by with slipping hands
Trying to grip what isn't there
Until they hit the earth.
The earth sucks me down through the floor
And soon I suffocate, surrounded by nothing
And everything at the same time.
Everything encompasses me.
Everything engulfs me
And I surrender.
I cry a cry of white
As I sink into black.
Green has been too long.
Red is what made me strong.
The rainbow that everyone saw
Shot its colors right through me
And out into the Neverland,
Where only fools make settlement.
Am I the only one living reality?
Am I the only one ignoring the dreams,
Where skies are made of cotton candy
And unicorns fly into the delight?
Where money trees grow wild and free
And people live till two hundred and three?
Suppose I am not existing at all.
It would explain my invisible stance
And the way others deny me
As if I'm like the wind.
You cannot see it, nor care of it,
And when it blows off course
You wish you could turn it around
And guide it back to where it belongs.
Where do I belong?
Do I belong in the ocean,
Where the undertow will catch me?
Do I belong in the desert,
Where the heat will dissolve me?
Or do I belong in this soil
Where the dirt has suppressed me
And cut off my voice
So I cannot speak for myself.
Now as I think I realize
The life below is the same as above-
I cannot breathe, I cannot speak.
I cannot love, I cannot believe.
Lifting my head takes too much strength
And I have none to use.
Seeing what could be takes too much time
And I have none left over.
So as I sink into utter desolation
And into the ultimate test,
I take one last breath
And pray for the best.
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Empty
02/15/05
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The burning torment in my chest
Is nothing to the agony
I've touched
Or the emptiness I've held
Not only in my heart and body
But also in my life
And in the abandoned promises
This ruthless world has aimed to make
But they go nowhere
Much like this stinging tear
That ignites my cracked skin
Causing even more wretchedness
For me to bear
Can I attempt to tame this drop
Of flaming saturation
Or will I fail once again
As my eyes run dry
And I am left hollow?
Unfilled seems to be
The continuous answer I am revealed to
How ironic it is
That I have so many tears
Hidden inside
And still unoccupied I remain
This paradox is sealed
Behind a blank meaning
Which I can run after
For a lifetime
Looking beneath the rock
And above the ember sky
Meeting those I've been forced
To decline
And I would still
Find myself in oblivion
Can I put forth this endeavor
Or will I fall once again
As the air grows brown
And I am left bare?
Useless words
And insignificant prayers
Complimented by
Forsaken dreams
And disregarded necessities
I have discovered
Are all that make up
This vacant
Nothing
Of me
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Under The Tuscan Sun
03/08/05 |
Monday morning
The brick streets come to life
With one swift drawing
Of the market stands' curtains
Another day will begin
As the shoppers start wandering
Tasting the grapes
Sweetened and soft
Swimming in the fresh elegance
That they supply
Sampling the wine
True and revealing
Of the dedication
This town provides
Even on a day
That the world stays locked away
Deeply indulged
In undesired work and pain
Freedom is the only task
That these people dare to take part in
Time does not attract them
As if the weeks stand still
And the years shall not pass by
What passes by are these clouds
Of white
Off into the countryside
Away from the busy tide
Floating, complimenting
The summer's shine
The flowers gaze up
With gratitude and grace
Smelling of this blossoming
Field's calm embrace
The steady beat
Of the grain's dance in the breeze
Flows into my ears
And captures my fears,
Once controlled by stress and tears,
And lures me into its hypnotic ease
Whispering to let myself
Fall and surrender
Walking into the gates
Of this entrancing place
That lives without time
Without crime
Without haste
This stage of no acting
This land of no age
But a heaven on earth
That is with no name
For its beauty and wisdom
Passion and love
All exist in a simple one
Breathing, believing
Under the Tuscan sun
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Time
05/30/05
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Time
Gently moving
Right by me
As I sit in my swollen silence
I stay inside
This capsule of myself
Listen
I hear the chimes
Ringing in my bleeding ears
I can smell my tears
Flowing around me
Drowning my thoughts
So I am left hollow
Empty
As the sky after a storm
Somehow the feeling
Finds a reason to stay
And it is mutual
My mouth is dry
And I open it to allow
The air to trap itself inside
Making it harder
To breathe
Beating
Of my microscopic heart
Barely keeping me alive
As I feel my muscles
Quake
Like this ground below me
Sucking me through
Into the soil
But somehow
I will force my way out
I always do
Climbing
Over every obstacle
That blocks my
Broken path
Hurdle
And attack
I will not falter
Yet I will not
Rest in peace
For this world
Hates to see me
In a deep sleep
Instead I will fight
The elements once again
Stumbling and crawling
On these scraped knees
Shaking
Living on the pain
That brings me down
And dwelling on the shame
I sit around
Numb
My shallow mind
Is floating
As the days go on
Surpassing my expectations
I leap
But it is not the end
It never will be
Or else every loss
Would be my last
I pay the cost
For my stupidity
Recklessly
Trembling
Over these thoughts
Time
Gently moving
Right by me
As I stay inside
This capsule of myself
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Garden Of Mine
09/15/05 |
The sky above me
Is falling around me
And I cannot see the sun
Lurking behind the clouds
The rain from darkness
Is tumbling down on me
And I sit in silence
As it hangs over the ground
This garden of mine
Is burning slowly
The flowers aren't there
And these thorns in my hair
Are growing wild
My tears keep flowing all the while
In this garden of mine
Too dry to handle
Too wasteful to care
And I cannot bear the wait
Taking over me
The time just lingers
But nothing is changing
And I cannot take the chance
As I sit here all alone
This garden of mine
Is burning slowly
The flowers aren't there
And these thorns in my hair
Are growing wild
My tears keep flowing all the while
In this garden of mine
I look back at the footprints
Left in the ancient soil
They're walking away
It's time to erase
That part of my life
This garden of mine
Is burning slowly
The flowers aren't there
And these thorns in my hair
Are growing wild
My tears keep flowing all the while
In this garden of mine
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Summer
09/30/05 |
I grab a star
And hold it in my hand
Everything else just fades away
All my life is here
These mourning nights
And endless fights
Are nowhere near
But those summer days left too soon
I pace my darkened room
Where nothing lives
And nothing even sheds a tear
I take a walk
And keep a steady beat
Everything else flies right by me
All my thoughts are clear
These painful times
I can't rewind
It's my worst fear
But those summer days left too soon
I pace my darkened room
Where nothing lives
And nothing even sheds a tear
I take a step
And take one last deep breath
Everything around me comes through
All my dreams held dear
Have faded away
In this shadow, I'll stay
With my broken mirror
Those summer days left too soon
I pace my darkened room
Where nothing lives
And nothing even sheds a tear
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